Is there any possibility that I can have my chance?

It never failed to cause this feeling to me every single time I am going back there. The feeling of stress, burden and all kinds of negative emotion just rush all into my thought and emotion. I am really stress up going back there. This place was once called my home where I can find joy, laughter and peace. But now it was never going to be the same again. Home is always defined as a place where one can find comfort, love, happiness and caring. However, during the past few years everything had changed. I don't remember how long I really felt happiness and joy in that place again. It was like ages ago not that I can remember. Thinking back those day, how we had party, gathering, chit-chatting, having fellowship together but now it was all gone. All that is left, is just a place filled with all these memories.

How can a place once I called home will become like this? I never choose any of this in my life. I never choose to commit anything. I just want to be normal just like other people around me. I want to see the world, I want pursue my study, my dreams, my goal. But I just can't. Do I even have a choice? I am just feeling so trap in this life that I am having now. It's just like I am tied down by all these stuff. I am just not ready to commit in all these. I really hope that I can live like a normal teenager like everyone does, have a normal university life, a normal relationship. There are much that I couldn't say, that I couldn't express!

The fear arise

When I saw her, I sense the fear in me once again. It is the same old "friend" that i used to know. It has leave me long time ago and now it come back again. It is her shadow i saw in her. It made my heart tremble, i am afraid that my nightmare that was once subside will arise again. I use to think that this curse has far gone away from me but I was wrong. I can sense it, it is moving back slowly. I am just to afraid to admit it!

H.O.P.E

Sometimes we may think that miracles do happen in our life but many times is not what we think it is. It may seems like you have a second chance and eventually it is once again taken away from you. In that moment, your heart pounces as if you are on the roller coaster. I've once heard this hope stands for hold on pains end but in reality the more I hold the more pain I experience. Sometimes is not holding on or letting go that matters, what matters is whether this miracles belong to you or not? If it is not applicable in your life, why hold on? Holding on or letting go is your own decision. Is just like evaluating a stock market, to hold on to the share or to let go of the share is your very own choice. Once decision is made, you win or you loss it all depends on you. You cannot blame others for your loss. Is just that you are not skillful or mature enough to made an accurate decision. Life has to go on no matter in what circumstances. Time wait for no one. I think this phrase many of us has actually heard of it but how many really utilize their time fully and meaningfully? I guess out of 10 only 1 will do. This is reality and we have to face it. People grow old each day and we have to come out to face the world someday. Till then only you will realize fairy tales are no more than just a lie to the kids so that they can have hope in their life. But this hope eventually will come to an end when they are old enough to realize that there are no such things as fairy tales. 

In this particular moment, my feeling can only be describe by one word "PAIN". I've always thought that I am mature enough to see through things and people but I am wrong. The reality is I've never know how. I've always thought I can stand in different perception and different point of view in order to know and feel what they feel but this time my eyes are blinded, my ear deaf and heart is broken. The fact is I am just a simple person that doesn't even know how to express myself. I've always heard this phrase since i am young " no one knows you other than yourself " but in this moment I does not know a single thing about myself. My so called intuition, self perception are nothing but just a bunch of rubbish. People view me as smart ass but i view myself as one who doesn't even know about himself. This is ME. How can a person understands and be able to read others when he himself doesn't even know about himself. This is totally a joke. The most important part is I've never understand and know the person I care and love the most. Even other people know more than I do. The heart breaking moment come back instantly! Till this point, I am speechless.

有言难说

此刻的心情就像心如刀割。好想和她说我的感受但是怕说了会令她难受。我不想她被夹在中间令她难做。我希望我能够学习的去接受。每当，看见他们两那么的亲切我都会不舒服。所以我另可不看。真希望我有颗大量的心。

新年新希望

2012 年来的真快啊！在回想一下我已经读完我的大学先修班了。真的很快哦！真的是怀念那些日子。可以跟一大班朋友去玩，看戏，逛街。真的很爽！但是人总是要往前看的吗。所以呢，我现在什么也不要去想了。只要一心一意的管好我那些弟弟妹妹们。说到他们啊，我就真的是头痛咯！一个两个都不懂是不是在装傻还是真的是不明白我在说什么！ 有时候真的是气死我了。但是当我看见他们这样我的心有时都会很痛，就是这样我的情绪也给他们弄得很低落。我真的很不明白现代的年轻人，他们不会为了他们的前途而担心反而是我担心他们。真的是所谓皇上不急，太监急啊！说真的，看到这一斑年轻人我有时候会拿他们来跟我自己比较。当我在他们的年龄，我在拼命的读书和奋斗！想到当年的自己，真的是好笑。但是如果可以给我选择，我会选择当年的我。回想当年，我的生活很充实！每天6点起床，7点上学，2点半回家。然后，就准备去补习。有时候，还要赶功课呢！还记得在读书的时候，每天都在想几时会放假。现在，我的时间真的是多得很呢却不懂用来做什么。真的是想回去读中学哦。哈哈。。。。

Wow~ I almost finish my A level! Super fast. I really don't know what I have learn all this while. Is like I have been dreaming. But at least I have a gang of buddy. I am sure gonna miss them after my A level. All of them will continue their Degree course at different university. (Sigh)... OPSS.. I am out of words. Hahahaha.. Next time only update my blog again. Joseph Lim signing off~

What is my purpose of life?

I have been listening to this song by Yiruma. The title of this song is Time Forget. I am slowly falling in love with this song. It bring peace to my heart and calm my thought but... out of a sudden i have a feeling in heart. I started to close my eyes and feel the sensation. Why, why is it like tat? After my sophomore year, I have changed a lot. My attitude towards my study, my attitude towards my future and my discipline. My college life is really totally different from my high school. I have more fun and waste a lot of my time in games and hanging out with friends. I started to feel that I don't care too much of study anymore not like before where I was still a high school student. I still remember few years back, I am still a high school boy struggling to achieve good results in my SPM. I struggle every moment in my life just to get what I aim for. At last all my hard work paid off. But now i am totally a different person. I am not struggling anymore. I give my self a lot of freedom. I have already forgot my purpose of life. I feel emptiness inside me. Although I have been chasing and finding happiness almost everywhere. I hang out with friends, I play computer games, I watch movies but all this happiness and joy is just temporarily. When I am alone in my room, I felt the loneliness, emptiness again. What is the use of chasing all this? In the end what did I get?! Worst result! Bad health! Bad mood! I neglected my study, my future and myself.